Back To The Clinic...

Morning all,

Yesterday my new diabetic consultant phoned me up, "Strange", I thought since he didn't mention he was going to call when I saw him last week. At the moment, I did have a moment of panic - maybe my blood results showed something abnormal...
I haven't had a "fixed" consultant for about 3/4 years now, which has been very frustrating with all my health issues, explaining over and over again what's gone on, what am I doing now, so on and so forth. So I am very happy I have a fixed Doctor now, and a lovely one of that.
Back to the phone call, he wanted to check a few details about my past (Eating Disorders, Diabetes,...) as there wasn't many documents from the Eating Disorder Clinic. I explained what had happened and how helpful they were. My Doctor then said that after my consultation, him and other Doctors (whom I'd never met) had a meeting about me (not sure it's something to be flattered about), they were thinking whether it would be best for me to visit the Eating Disorder Clinic again.
This wasn't a total shock if I'm honest. I admit, since the results of my food intolerance test, I have found it difficult to find food and to "keep up" with my normal eating habits. I haven't stopped eating; I have breakfast, lunch and dinner with the odd snack here and there and drink plenty of fluids but my portions are not large, probably 2/3 the recommended daily intake for an adult. With the smaller portions/lack of nutrients and my stomach issues, my weight has dropped quite dramatically. My BMI is under the healthy lower limit and this does worry me. The problem is, although there are many alternatives to suit my new food intolerances, they never exclude all of them. My main intolerances are wheat, gluten, yeast, milk, eggs, beef and lamb (plus a few minor ones like dill). Literally all foods contain one of these ingredients. I do find the odd product which is free from all the above but I can't live on that alone. This in turn makes my anxiety worse when it comes to meal times as I don't know if it'll affect me.
Three years ago, my anxiety was so bad about food that I would have panic attacks whenever I was presented with something to eat - I DO NOT WANT THAT AGAIN. This is also is making my anxiety worse (I am literally my worst enemy).
Anyway, the Doctors don't know whether it is a good idea or not to go back to the clinic. They have taught me methods of dealing with my problems from last time so there isn't much else they can do there and if I'm honest, going back to the clinic does bring back the horrible memories.
Bless my Mum could see how scared I was after the phone call, I did my usual 'put up a brick wall, pretend everything is fine' routine but even that didn't stop tears escaping. I hate how my problems affect my close friends and family, I wish it was as simple as clicking my fingers and everything is fine. My boyfriend is being so supportive, he said he would even change his diet to suit me and we could work out a plan to get back on track. This means the world to me but again (being my worst enemy), I don't like being the centre of attention or causing big changes to our "normal" routine. Like the other day, we went out for dinner (anxiety already kicked in) but with my new diet, I had to phone ahead and check whether they could make something that I could eat. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal but to me it does, putting someone out of their way for my sake.

Back to the Clinic. I am scared about going back but I'm also scared about what could happen if I don't. I had plans over the next few months but now I'm doubting will I be well enough to do them. I wanted to move out this year and start afresh, don't think that'll be happening. Ugh. I just want to be a relatively normal 20-something and enjoy life. The past 4 years have been a living hell (health wise) and I want to move on.
I do apologise for this massive rant - this is a good way for me to let off steam.
Got to learn to take each day as it comes. I'm sure many people have gone through what I'm dealing with and have turned out fine. Stay positive.

I'm seeing the Diabetic Nutritionist tomorrow, hopefully they'll have some nutrient drinks that will support me and help put weight back on. Fingers crossed!

xxx

Rant over.